Mercy Rose

Prelude

Have you ever thought about what songs would be included on the soundtrack if your life were a movie? I have! In fact, when I was a teenager daydreaming about being the heroine of my own romantic movie, I thought about it a lot. 😂🤦🥴 Luckily, I’ve grown up a little since then, and my soundtrack wouldn’t be all love songs now. At my memoir writing group a couple of months ago, we each worked on a fun writing prompt: If your life had its own soundtrack, what five songs would be on it? Here’s what I came up with:

Track 1: “It’s Happy Wake-up Time” by Steven Kay Webb

I tried to think of a professionally-produced and distributed song that encapsulated my childhood, but nothing compared to my dad’s. Each Saturday and most Sundays growing up, my siblings and I were awakened by my dad belting out one of his own made-up songs to get us out of bed and to the table. It would start with him imitating a trumpet call: “Da-da-da-da-da, Da-da-da-da-da, Da-da-da-da-da-da-DA-da!” before moving on to the verses.

"It's happy wake-up time!
It's time to rise and shine.
It's happy wake-up time.
It's yummy breakfast time!"

When I was little I loved it. It meant my dad had already made a hot breakfast, which made getting out of bed easier. He usually made something simple like waffles, pancakes, or French toast. The real treat, though, was when he made what we call Slapjacks. Basically he’d take frozen Rhodes rolls, thaw them in the microwave, stretch them out to be the size of mini individual pizzas, and then fry them on the griddle. They’re delicious! I still crave them sometimes and don’t get them nearly often enough. After buttering them, we usually top them with sugar, honey, or (my personal favorite) my mom’s homemade raspberry jam. Perfection.

As my siblings and I got older and turned into surly preteens and teens, we’d groan and roll our eyes each morning we heard his infamous song. We just wanted to sleep in, no matter how delicious breakfast was. Typical, ever-annoyed, ever-annoying youth. 

Now that we’re all grown up, we don’t get to hear his song very often. Occasionally, though, if we spend the night at their house, we get the privilege of hearing it, announcing that breakfast is ready. It never ceases to bring a smile to my face.

Track 2: “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World 

This song was released when I was in high school, and I adopted it as my personal anthem. I know pretty much all teenagers stress about what others think of them. The amount of time I wasted worrying whether or not others liked me was unreal, though. For better or for worse, I’ve always been an overthinker. (You’ll definitely hear that refrain a lot in my blog posts.)

Luckily, I *usually* wasn’t consumed by my ruminations. This song helped on that front! Anytime I found myself second-guessing whether or not I’d said or done the “right” thing, I’d reassure myself with these lyrics:

"Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head, you feel left out
Or looked down on.
Just try your best.
Try everything you can,
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
When you're away."

Admittedly, I still need to think about this song to stay in my own lane more often than I’d like to. It’s a process. Someday I might care less about what others think about me. Until then, I’ll try my best.

Track 3: “Come What May” by Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman

My husband and I picked this song to be “our song” before we were married. We never had a moment where a song had naturally become our song, so we actively looked for one. One day leading up to our marriage, we looked up and listened to dozens of love songs to try to determine what we should claim as ours. We wanted to pick two or three for our wedding videographer to use.

Music had always been something Josh and I had bonded over. In fact, just a little before we started dating, Josh had given me a CD mix of songs he thought I’d like. We were friends for months before we started dating, but by the time he gave me the CD, I already really liked him as more than a friend. I’m embarrassed to admit how many times I listened to that CD, overanalyzing the lyrics to death for hidden messages that he liked me, too. 😂 Are you noticing a theme? Yes. Young Becca was very much a romantic.

Anyway, we had many songs we already loved, but we also listened to several common wedding songs to see if they’d make our cut. After spending hours listening to songs, we narrowed it down to this one. We loved watching Moulin Rouge together, and we loved the song. Some runner-ups to the winning song were “The Luckiest” by Ben Folds and “We’re Better Together” by Jack Johnson.

As the years matched on, “Come What May” became our song more and more. Each new trial we encountered and overcame reinforced the song’s lyrics for each of us:

"Come what may,
I will love you 
Until the end of time."

Track 4: “There Will Be a Day” by Jeremy Camp

I am so grateful for this song. Josh and I first heard it shortly after I’d been discharged from the hospital after delivering Lincoln and Logan. They were obviously still in the NICU (since they were in the NICU for almost six months, and this was only a week or two after they’d been born). At that time, Josh and I frequently tuned into Christian Rock music stations. We like songs with a subtle spiritual message, but Sunday “church” music is often a bit much for us throughout the week. 😂

We were on our morning drive to the hospital to visit our boys when this song came on. By the time it was over, both Josh and I had tears streaming down our cheeks. And we replayed it over and over again on Spotify until we reached the hospital. It became our NICU theme song. 

Even now, anytime I hear about something unfair happening, these lyrics start playing in my head:

"...I hold on to this hope
And the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering.

There will be a day with no more tears,
No more pain, and no more fears.
There will be a day
When the burdens of this place
Will be no more.
We'll see Jesus face to face,
But until that day
We'll hold on to you always."

Track 5: “The Next Right Thing” by Kristen Bell

Like many people, certain songs have helped Josh and me get through some very dark times. We chose a Christian Rock song to help us weather the storm of our boys’ NICU stay. The last track on my “soundtrack” is practically gospel, too; it’s a Disney song. 😉

We first heard it about two weeks after Lincoln was discharged from the hospital after being diagnosed with leukemia. Earlier that day, we’d spent several hours in the Oncology clinic at Primary Children’s Hospital. Lincoln had needed another transfusion, which took a long time. Then he had an NJ-tube placed (after he threw up the NG-tube they tried to place first).

The first week and a half being home with Link, it had been absolute torture administering all of his medications. He fought; he cried; he screamed. We cajoled; we comforted; we forced. It took close to an hour for us to get all of his required meds in him. It was traumatic for all of us. Quickly we learned that it wasn’t going to be maintainable for the 2+ years of treatment he had, so we arranged for him to get a feeding tube at the end of his clinic visit. It was a tough pill to swallow considering the fact that we’d always been so grateful that both of our 23-weeker boys came home from the NICU eating 100% by mouth. That is SO RARE! Lincoln needed a feeding tube at three years old, though, to prevent further complicating his oral aversions.

We finally got home from the hospital around 7 or 8 at night. Giving him his meds was so much easier!!! We still had to learn how to operate a feeding pump, though, since Lincoln had stopped eating by mouth almost entirely by this point. Our medical equipment supplier met us at our house to train us. It was already past bedtime by this point, but luckily Frozen 2 had just been released that day to streaming services. We hadn’t seen it yet, but our boys LOVED the first movie (as almost all kids do 😉), so they watched it in our family room with my mom while Josh and I learned the new ropes (bags, tubes, pumps, plugs…) we’d been handed. Then the medical nurse left. And it was up to me to get Lincoln’s newly-prescribed formula ready and running. 

I. Felt. So. Overwhelmed. I put on a brave face for the nurse, Josh, my mom, and our boys, but as I stood alone in our kitchen filling the feeding bags with Lincoln’s liquid food, getting it arranged correctly in the feeding pump, and priming it, tears pricked my eyes. I couldn’t help wondering, once again, how we were possibly going to have the stamina to endure the next 2+ years and all it entailed.

While I was preparing the food, what became our cancer-fighting theme song came on the TV. After I finished taking Link’s feeding bag up to the boys’ nursery for bedtime, Josh and my mom told me I had to sit down and listen to the song. The entire song spoke to me.

"I've seen dark before, but not like this.
This is cold, this is empty, this is numb.
The life I knew is over, the lights are out.
Hello, darkness, I'm ready to succumb.
I follow you around; I always have,
But you've gone to a place I cannot find.
This grief has a gravity, it pulls me down,
But a tiny voice whispers in my mind:
You are lost, hope is gone,
But you must go on,
And do the next right thing.
Can there be a day beyond this night?
I don't know anymore what is true.
I can't find my direction, I'm all alone.
The only star that guided me was you.
How to rise from the floor?
But it's not you I'm rising for.
Just do the next right thing.
Take a step; step again.
It is all that I can to do
The next right thing.
I won't look too far ahead.
It's too much for me to take,
But break it down to this next breath, 
This next step,
This next choice is one that I can make.
So I'll walk through this night,
Stumbling blindly toward the light,
And do the next right thing.
And, with it done, what comes then?
When it's clear that everything 
Will never be the same again?
Then I'll make the choice to hear that voice
And do the next right thing."

I felt like it was God answering my unuttered pleadings for help. When the song ended, all of the adults in the room were crying grateful tears. Now ANYTIME I feel overwhelmed and wonder where to start on something, Kristen Bell’s sweet voice whispers to me: Just do the next right thing.

Epilogue

Now it’s your turn! What songs would be on your personal soundtrack?! I’d love to get to know you (& your taste in music) better!