Let’s talk about kids’ birthday parties…
Please tell me I’m not the only mom who both looks forward to and dreads throwing them. Actually, you don’t have to tell me. I’m psychic. I know I’m not alone.
You may be wondering why I’m writing about this particular topic now when my twins’ birthday is on January 10th. I’ll tell you why.
A lot of things led to this, but we had a half-birthday party for our boys a couple of Saturdays ago. Since Lincoln and Logan spent the first 5-½ months of their lives in NICUs, they didn’t come home from the hospital until June 19, 2017. The following January when their first birthday rolled around, they were both recently out of the hospital (due to a virus) and still on oxygen.
Considering their still-low, micro-preemie immune systems, we decided we’d just celebrate their first birthday quietly at home that year and then celebrate the anniversary of them finally coming home from the NICU with a big party in June. A tradition was born!
It was a great solution! We were able to relax and have fun without worrying about the abundance of germs and respiratory illnesses in January. Then we were able to invite as many people as we wanted for their outdoor party in June. My birthday is in July, and Josh’s is in August, so we’re more used to summer birthday parties anyway. 😊
I came to a new realization as I prepared for the twins’ half-birthday party this year, though. I’d been planning the party for weeks—pinning ideas to a Pinterest board like I do every year. The problem, though, was that I couldn’t bring myself to actually follow through on any of my grand plans. Each day I’d tell myself that was the day I’d do x, y, or z. And each day I’d let myself down. When I reflected on why I wasn’t doing the things I’d planned, I realized that this has become a pattern of mine.
Sure, I’m a recovering procrastinator…isn’t everyone?! (I’m not talking to you superhuman/alien anomalies that always get started on things right away. I’ll never understand how you people do it. 😂) This birthday party planning/prepping procrastination was on a whole other level, though.
It hit me that I frequently put off planning and preparing for big events or parties. Why? They’re supposed to be fun! Because there have been too many times to count when we were excited and all but ready for an anticipated event, and then someone in our family (usually Lincoln) got sick, and we had no choice but to cancel.
You know me. I’m usually someone who tries to look on the bright side, but Josh and I had gotten into the negative mindset of expecting something bad to happen when we have fun plans. I know we’re not alone in this. I’ve read/heard enough about trauma to know this is a trauma response.
I’d figured out that I was dealing with a PTSD trigger. Add on the usual peer and social media pressure of wanting to create a picture-perfect, Pinterest-worthy party, and I was paralyzed.
Why do we do this to ourselves????? WHY—when we also hear that we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others—do moms continually do so anyway?!
Luckily, naming the issue you’re dealing with empowers you to face it head-on and (hopefully) overcome it. I felt so much better after simply putting into words what I was feeling and why I was feeling that way. Then I talked to my life coach and felt even better. It’s like therapists, self-help books, life coaches, and writing/journaling proponents know what they’re talking about! 😉
If you’re struggling with something, I highly encourage you to WRITE and/or TALK about it. Write it down, or say it out loud. Get your jumble of thoughts untangled. Then it will be easier to take action.
I was able to get over my hurdle and start following through on my party preparations. Just recognizing and acknowledging why it was hard for me made it easier to tackle.
You know what also helped? Lowering my expectations.
A very smart man I know (aka Josh 😉) lives his life with this philosophy: A 94% is still an A. He’s never agonized over trying to get a 100%. He’s been telling me since we were in college that I should stop stressing and striving for perfection so much. I’ve only taken it to heart without shaming myself over the past few years, though.
It’s fine to “just” get a 94% A. B’s are fine, too. So are C’s. Yep, you read that correctly. Yes, REALLY!!! If you had told me five years ago—or perhaps even just two years ago—that I’d write those words, I wouldn’t have believed you. To a large extent, I grew up equating my worth to the grades I received. Sure, I never would have said that I was “better” than someone else because I got mostly A’s. I’m ashamed to admit that that was my underlying, subconscious belief, though.
Several events—especially having special needs kids and working with my life coach—have luckily changed my views.
Grades are not an issue of worth or morality. Each of us has worth simply because we exist. Someone who earns A’s isn’t worth more than someone who gets F’s. A mom who throws an out-of-this-world amazing birthday party for her kid is not worth any more than a mom who barely has enough money to buy her child one simple, small gift.
Your kids’ birthday parties aren’t actually going to get “graded” (except, perhaps, by yourself), but…
They don’t indicate how “good” of a person—or mom—you are.
So…we had our boys’ party. Did I get everything done that I’d planned to? No. Were there still several cute ideas and activities on my Pinterest board that I didn’t have time or energy to incorporate? Yes.
This is the most important question, though: Did everyone still have fun? YES!!!!!
We had lots of family come over, and we ate and visited for hours. All of our kids ran free playing together. I didn’t even follow through on any of the activities I’d thought about doing because they were having so much fun just being kids—running, playing, sliding, having water fights, blowing bubbles, playing with sand, etc.
Be kind to yourselves, ladies. Don’t beat yourself up over what you do/don’t do for your kids’ birthdays. Shower them with love and attention, neither of which cost a thing. Play with them and/or let them play. Celebrate their existence. But don’t overcomplicate it. As long as they know you love them and are so happy they’re alive and yours, you’re good. If you throw them a Pinterest-worthy party of the decade, great! If you choose to have a simple day at home with just cake and ice cream after dinner, fantastic! Either way, you’re a good mom. Believe it.